Tuesday 21 October 2008

and look at me now

I entered into him as into a rose garden. Young and spoiled, fluttering my black tides, my hair undone, my dance unfolding into the evening maze which was his. Easy the way out, I thought back then, I will teach the garden to surrender, the thorns to be soft on my thighs, the scents to need me, the time to be good and behave. And look at me, look at me now, after so many years, you who sit out there at your small tables and eat your dinners and make love to your wives and put your children to bed, all that quiet breathing in and out of 'life', or what you have decided to call as such. Barely alive, my dance folded back into the evening maze which is still his, I wait for the garden to let me out, I beg the time to 'resume his course', or what you have decided that time usually does.

There is no such thing as a merciful rose, I have learned, I who had thought to be the teacher, the imperial sister, the courtesan with the cruelest smile. He forgets that I am still there, I am sure of it. Only at times, when he talks matter-of-factly about the autumn of his soul and nobody can make out if he is serious or not, as it often happens, I wonder if he doesn't mean me.


  1. oh, i love that top photo. it's gorgeous!

  2. these are simple gorgeous, there is nothing else to say.

  3. thank you katrina and sorlil, it means a lot to me, it truly does.

  4. ahh... don't we all write never-ending paens to the one that got away? to what end i know not..:-)

    all your 'rose series' posts have a great sensuality about them - both the pictures and the text... this one could have even be titled 'the taming of the rose' .. thats what i first thought to myself even the saw the pictures; even though your title works as well (it reminded me of lines from that song - "take a look at me now, It's just an empty shell..." - did you get the idea from there?)

    And didn't i tell you once, that beauty (especially great beauty) can never not be cruel? At least you agree there cannot be any such thing as a merciful rose ;-)

  5. zuma!
    yes, we do, even if these roses here are more about the impossibility of going away than about longing for the one who left. but maybe it is the same. is it?

    no, I don't know that song. but this makes me think of a certain 'lady of the locust shell', whom Genji seduced in Murasaki's Tale of Genji (one of my favourite novels). oh, this would be indeed a great post, if only I had a locust picture :-) but the poems are wonderful so I will quote them nevertheless:
    he writes:
    "Beneath a tree, a locust's empty shell.
    Sadly I muse upon the shell of a lady."

    and she:
    'The dew upon the fragile locust wing
    Is lost among the leaves. Lost are my tears.'

    [and yes, you told me that :-)]

  6. Hi

    hope you are doing well. i had been away.
    your cigarette photos are very melancholic. and the poem is beautiful too. i am willing to believe that the person facing us is you.

  7. "i am willing to believe that the person facing us is you."

    I'm not.

    they're very good photos though-if a bit haunting... as if someone was slightly unhinged, talking to themselves or an imaginary friend.

  8. hi again kubla! you were also willing to believe that about the girl in the foggy woods, weren't you? :-)
    no, it is not me, I'm afraid. I don't smoke (but I like to photograph smoking people, their hands...)

  9. anonymous, why? why aren't you willing to believe that? :-)

    I am grateful that you took the time to come here and tell me about the pictures. yes, slightly unhinged, maybe not only slightly, or maybe it is just the photogapher who saw it like this, who felt like this. I am happy that you liked them.

    [I should find a way to move these comments to the cigarettes post, my innocent roses here have nothing to do with this :-) they are not haunting, are they? are they also good?]

  10. oh these are too beautiful. I feel protective of those roses - they need to be sheltered from the wind and snow.

    P.S: I am very much here - have been busy with exams and my mind ha been to occupied to blog :(

  11. yes, szerelem, they need that. it is still warm here, but soon, soon, they will perish, I see it coming, every day a little more, in my parents' garden.

  12. Oh, i don't know. When people take a photo of themselves with one hand it usually comes out blurred. Anway, from you're writing I'd hazard a guess that you're not a smoker.

    I'm sure you've appeared somewhere or the other on your blog-yes, I'm sure of that!- and will now look at older posts to see if you're there .

    No, the others aren't haunting, just depressing orr maybe it is just me who saw it like this, who felt like this.

  13. anonymous, ahhhhh. and they divine through stylistic analysis that Roxana doesn't smoke :-P [of course my paraphrase of Kaestner's satire: Und sie stellen durch Stiluntersuchungen fest,
    daß Cäsar Plattfüße hatte, I hope you can read German, or else you should learn! :-)].

    but no, this is just a poor attempt to make you smile. please, see the longing in the roses, not the sadness, please please. not depressed.

  14. Kubla, I have solved the mystery. You can see what she looks like by going to the 18 th March, 2008 post. Of course, by the time you read this she would have erased them.

    And yes, yes I can divine. I'm quite good at psychological tests as well.

    no, I can't read German but I do have access to google which helps me work things out in life.

    If you don't mind me saying, you seem to be able to divine what is going through the rose's mind just by a sort of stylistic analysis!

  15. anonymous, I wanted to make you smile and now you make me smile :-)

    ok, if you don't read German, then I'll translate for you: through stylistic analysis they reach the conclusion that Caesar had flat foot. it is a satire against the moderns :-)
    but do learn, it is a pity! :-P

    of course I can divine that, and actually I don't need to, you forget that I not only photograph the rose, but invent it!

  16. to a dessert, yes, in that thirst, there is a merciful rose, unto death perhaps, but yes... :

  17. "anonymous, I wanted to make you smile and now you make me smile :-)"

    Then my job here is done.

  18. there are really wonderful, roxy

  19. superba munca ta.
    place-mi mult. cu mult drag as vrea sa-ti adaug link-ul la mine pe blog.
    daca esti de acord astept un semn pe mail tobos_dan@yahoo.com